why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Randomize
