roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
