I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
