I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
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