I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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