I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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