dude i'm inner monologue high
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
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If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
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my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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