OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
