Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Randomize
