god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
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