Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
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We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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