how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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