every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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