Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
