Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
