dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Who died my cat blue again?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.