apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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