She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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