Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
