New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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