Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Randomize