just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Randomize
