Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
