Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
