The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
