She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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