I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
don't judge my taste in strippers
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
