Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
