i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
