i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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