i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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