my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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