i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
