He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
