He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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