I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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