Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize
