If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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