apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
