Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
