what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Randomize
