Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
