You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Randomize
