The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Randomize
