guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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