I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
