Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
