i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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