I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
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