you guys were way drunker than both of me
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
