my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
My liver just had a heart attack.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Randomize
