Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
