I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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