they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
