Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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