I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
