During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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